January 8th 2009 dread & yearning

Today's mirror started at 7:20am. My husband came into the room I am sleeping in and said I have to go to work and I ran out of time to get our daughter to go to school. Turned the big light on and left. She did come in the room and sat down. He was looking for me to force her to get dressed and force her to go to school. I knew that she was hoping I would pity her and let her stay home. I am for listening and having compassion but pity is what gets me in the poor house. It is pitying that lets me be the carpet people walk all over. It is pity that makes me an enabler. Sometimes when you take something to the extreme it because unhealthy for you and the other person.

I laid there listening to her. My ego is saying I just want to sleep. Oh pity me. I am sick and I have to get up in a few hours and perform intellectual work. I can't handle this. I see know way out of this hell. This is going to go on and on and on and on and on. Please let me sleep. Why can't you just go to school and do your part. My ego even goes further by saying why doesn't he give me the same respect that I gave him. My ego whined on with self talk about how I jumped out of bed as soon as i heard a cry so it wouldn't wake him up. I would keep the light off in the hallway in order not to disturb him. Sometimes I couldn't see where I was going and trip. I took care of those babies so you didn't have to. There maybe one time that you actually got up and helped but you bitched the whole time. So in order for me not to hear you bitch I would just sacrifice myself and just do it. I yearned for you help. My ego would get caught up in the stories of how the husband got up with the baby too. Or did it so the wife could sleep. My ego wanted to blame and complain. I made this projection so up over and over again so the ego can prove that I am right. talk about living in the ego mind.

My spirit on the other hand said Brenda listen to her. She is telling you valuable information about you. She told me of the same problem as before. I don't have any friends. I don't want to be at school and watch everyone play and I don't. I knew that she wasn't going to give in. She was hoping that my pitying her would give her the one thing that she wanted and that was not to go to school. I was able to see her belief system and the decision she made that is now limited. I see the amount of emotions backing up her belief and decision. I also see the mirror of me.

I realized that my projection sitting there was me at that age or younger. I did not want to participate in life. I would rather run away and start over but if the option were there. I would say no because it was scarier then were i was. I didn't have any skills to cope with it. I just wanted to fit in. I wanted to be listening to. I wanted to make people laugh. I was the too serious one. I had replaced my response of love with anger to everything.

Well she got her way after 2 hours. I had no fight in me. I didn't want to fight. I just wanted to her to go to school and me to get back to sleeping. Kids have the energy to stick it out. parents have the energy to cave and make it all stop. I know that beating her, yelling at her, bribing her, doesn't work. I know when she has her mind set on something it is like a steal trap.